How To Handle Conflict in Marriage

A strong marriage requires two people who choose to love each other even on the days they struggle to like each other.  Have you ever felt this way about your spouse – “I really love you, but right now I don’t really like you?”

It is easy sometimes, to feel irritated, annoyed, or disagree with our spouse. This is due to the fact that a marriage brings together two people, from different backgrounds, who come together with their own opinions, personality quirks, values, and perspectives.  There is bound to be marital conflict once in a while, even in the happiest of marriages. The key to a happy marriage is the way the couple chooses to manage their conflict. 

I really like the advice that  John M. Gottman gives:

1.    Negative emotions are important. Even though it may be hard to hear and listen too, negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better. Let your partner tell you how she/he feels, even if the anger is toward you.  Try not to feel attacked, but try to acknowledge how your partner feels.

2.    No one is right.  Often times in a marital conflict, there is no right answer.  This is when you will need to compromise.

3.   Acceptance is crucial. It is so important to understand, accept, and respect your spouse for who he is.  In order to improve our relationship we need to express acceptance of our partner.

4.   Focus on fondness and admiration.  Focus on your partner and remember why you love him and don’t focus on his faults, or what you consider to be faults.

The most important step, I think, to handling conflict is to compromise.  In fact Gottman says, “Like it or not, compromise is the only way to solve marital problems.  In an intimate, loving relationship, it just doesn’t work for either of you to get things all your way, even if you’re convinced that you’re right.”  My husband likes to be right, and most of the time he is, but he is willing to compromise and lets me feel that my opinions matter.  He is very good at accepting influence which is “the cornerstone of any compromise”, according to Gottman. This means that you can’t have a closed mind to your spouse’s opinions and desires.  It’s funny because right this minute, we are ordering pizza and we never agree on the same toppings, so we order pepperoni, sausage, mushroom and green pepper.  He takes off the green pepper and I take off the sausage.

Another quote I found says, “Marriage lets you annoy that one special person for the rest of your life.  Remember that you married that one special person because you love him and that you married him for all he is, including his faults.

Gottman says that 69% of all problems are perpetual. But I think that most problems are solvable. If a husband and wife are open to each other’s points of view, communicate effectively, be willing to compromise and to show forth love rather than contempt, be willing to forgive and forget and choose to love each other even when they struggle to like each other, they may have a good basis for resolving differences.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N., The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books, New York.  Pgs.138, 157-158, 184.